Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Life Just Is

Three years ago, my husband and I separated. Up until that point, and even some thereafter, I was
sure that he and I as a unit wouldn't last. I've always loved him, yes, but sometimes love isn't enough; I don't have to tell realistic people this, though.

To be honest, I still don't know if we'll make it. I promised forever and I will do my best to hold on to that, but no one knows the future. Life always changes. Life is imperfect. Love and marriage are also imperfect, and that's okay.

It took a long while for this concept to grow and develop for me. We learn starting in childhood that there is a definitive line between black and white, right and wrong, and that if you believe in something, you have to believe in it ALL THE WAY, never leaving any give for that certain imperfection or for indefinite differing situations. We want to believe that there are easy answers to life and that answers to some of the same questions can't change over time. Realistically, life just is though, and we can kill ourselves trying to figure everything out. We can also kill ourselves constantly searching for that unchanging bliss and perfection that we're sure is around the next corner, but it doesn't happen that way.

In a way, I know this sounds clinical and unfeeling. It really isn't. :) Life just is, though. Nothing is certain and nothing is forever. Things and people grow, though, and that is just as important as the realization that happiness is not something you can just grab and hold hostage in your hand forever.

For the most part, life is wonderful. Eddie and I have our spats and disagreements as we probably always will. We haven't always liked each other or ourselves either. However, when I stopped worrying about the intensity of the marriage, mutual feelings, and began to plow forward to try to make the best life for our children, us, and yes, even myself, I began to understand that life just is. This concept has been the best thing that has ever happened to us as a couple.

I am so thankful for him. He is a great husband, father, and friend. I thank God for not only bringing him into my life but also for giving me the ability to see that life just is so I can enjoy my marriage and kids without trying to shove life into some exquisite little box.

Ten years we've been married. I'm not going to bull**** anyone by saying that those years have gone by quickly and we are just as in love as the day we married... blah, blah, blah. I can say that while I may not love him more than I did then, I definitely love him deeper and wider and stronger than I could have ever imagined. And no, some of those years did not go by quickly, LOL. I wouldn't relive them, but I wouldn't trade them either.

Happy Anniversary, honey. I appreciate you and love you more than I can express.

Peace, love, and life,

Pamela



Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Tanka

Here is another poem I did in my writing class. It's a tanka, similar to a haiku. I'm not sure I did it properly; between the subject matter and strict form, it was a difficult task. Nonetheless, I'd like to share it, if only because it resides in a place deep within me and I'd like to let a little light in on it.


Tanka

The message should have

been spoken, not sent by text

Wiseless words be damned

Sister means heartbreak and pain

And it means leaving, like Mom

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Sonnet Poetry - Purpose

Part of my writing class took me into a world of poetry that I had once ignored. I have now learned varying styles, word usages, and more which has opened me up to an entirely new way of viewing my poetry.

The below poem was created for an assignment. We were to write a sonnet. The typical theme of love was optional, as was the structured iambic pentameter (though my professor said she would give us "mad props" if it was in iambic pentameter). So I didn't do the iambic pentameter; I'm not even sure I'm able to identify it by simply reading just yet. I did, however, do a twist on a love theme. My first draft was a bit different than what you see below; my professor knew that the even numbered lines were actual scenarios taken from headlines so she suggested that I change it to read like headlines. I like this version much better.

In any case, here is my sonnet for your enjoyment or scrutiny, whichever you choose. :)

Peace, love, and rhyme,

Pamela

Purpose
 
I don’t understand the world. Why would I?

Five Children Murdered by Their Own Father

I can’t often see beyond my own eyes.

27 Dead in Mass School Slaughter

I glance outside with weariness of heart.

Journalist Beheaded by Terrorists

A slick and gliding fear within me starts.

Domestic Violence Takes a Fatal Twist

Out my window, life is horrifying.

Gay Teen Tweets, “Dad, love me,” Then Shoots Himself

I cover my ears; it doesn’t blind me.

Insurance Lets Man Die: No Wealth, No Health

There’s no doubt; I could have died with this view.

But I learned real Life when God sent me you.